Renewed my domain name, this blog may just be up for another year!

Woohoo!

Yes, I stole the title of my post from the movie. Yes, I just watched the movie 10 minutes ago. Yes, I have been known to rip off movie titles, lines, etc and have no shame in reciting them out loud and claiming them as my own. Yes, it was a good movie and Yes, it got me thinking.

The movie covers a lot of ground and No, this is not a movie review. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the movie but I’d rather let you go watch it yourself and come to your own conclusions about it. Either way I digress. So, the movie covers a lot of ground.

It ranges from Family to Travel, Love to Adultery, Youth to getting Old. Now all of the before mentioned things grabbed my attention, and there were other things that stood out like old Georgy growing a conscience, or for that matter growing up. The card he gets for flying ten million miles also got me very excited.

But (and I know you should never start a sentence with the word) No, what stood out the most was and how do I say this without sounding too crass: The naked rear view of a women with only a tie around her waist.

Yep, that did it for me. That scene made me a fan of this movie like nothing else could. People and by people I mean women tend to underestimate the value of the right piece of clothing when in bed. I mean this girl didn’t even have any underwear on, nothing sexy, just a good Ol’ tie and while I sit here sneezing because of my cold and slight fever, I think only of “The Tie”.

So in keeping with the movie, I’ve come up with what I believe to be are the top 10 sexiest looks for what women should wear to get their men “Up in the Air”:

10) Sexy Nurse, School Girl, Maid and Police officer costumes: Yes these are the standard outfits, worn on every Halloween for a reason. No surprise there, somethings just never get out of style.

9) Biker Chick / Madonna from the 80′s: These are pretty close to each other, and while I’m not a big fan of Madonna. I am a big fan of  Hot Chicks in High Heels, Short Skirts and Tight Tops. I’m also fine with replacing the Short Skirts for a pair of tight leather biker pants.

8) A Bikini: You should never forget the power of a Bikini. I mean have you seen Kim Kardashian, Pam Anderson and the rest in Bikinis? Amazing, sure it helps if you’re a woman with big boobs but really, its not a necessity.

7) Lingerie: Yeah this really goes a long way. The right lingerie can do wonderful things. Right about now I know this sounds like a column from Cosmo, but I really can’t help myself. I feel these are the things I need to write about. Boy Shorts, Camisoles, Corsets the works. Yes, I’m well versed in Lingerie. I look at it as a good thing. Unlike most men out there, I know what looks good on women. Boo Yah! (I’m trying really hard to come off sounding cool right now and I know I’m failing… so go with me!)

6) Hot pants and a loose top tied up in a knot: I’m talking about your basic Daisy Duke look. Simple, elegant (OK maybe more Trashy than elegant) and stunning. If worn the right way, I’d like to think this would bring the room to a standing ovation.

5) A Naked woman: Yep, that works too. No confusion, no tricky buttons, zips or clips. I was going to put this at 9th but decided it definitely deserved to be in the top 5 just because of the “ease of access” thing it has going in it’s favor. Let me just say I hate buttons.

4) Princess Leia look: Yep, every red blooded male knows about this one. I don’t think anything feels better than imagining yourself as Jabba the Hutt (one in better shape perhaps?) while a really hot woman is parading around in front of you in the metal bikini and her hair in two buns. Now for all you people that think this is disgusting and sexist, please remember that Jabba died. So it’s fine that this is what your man may crave, cause lets face it he too will die one day. In the mean time get in costume and humor him.

3) Sexy Air Hostess: This gets special mention since the movie that inspired this post is all about Air Travel. I’ll be honest, the only thing I look forward to when getting on a plane is the fact that some how I may land up with an above averagely attractive air hostess (flight attendant if you like) serving me drinks and food. Let’s face it, this is the closest I’ve gotten to the Jabba fantasy. By the way I’d much rather prefer the Air Hostess costumes of the sixties, you know short skirts and all.

I know a few of you people will be reading this in disgust and yelling profanities at me. My mother will question herself on how she raised me and my brother will be going “You Go Boi!”. The fact is, I’m fine with it. It could be a lot worse, trust me. I don’t want to get into it, but it could be.

2) The Tie: Sigh, I still can’t get over that scene. I’ve been playing it over and over. OK I haven’t, maybe I have… it’s not the point. The point is, it’s a great shot and its got class (It’s a classy nude scene… nuff said!). I would never have thought of this myself. I’ve seen women wear ties around their necks and go Naked. Hell Jennifer Anniston did it for some magazine cover and it looked good. But my god man! Around the waist, like a sash? I truly cannot think of a better use for a tie. I just can’t. Flabbergasted, thats what I am right now.

which leads me to the #1 look on my list. While I understand this list is subjective and I’d love to get thoughts from different people, I’d like to go with this as my #1. So without further ado, the winner is:

1) Over sized shirt: That’s right a girl in nothing but a man’s (preferably the one their with) shirt. While color doesn’t matter, I’d like to think we all give a little preference to white. It’s really just one of those things that make you go “Hmmmmm”. I don’t know how to give this look justice. It has to be seen to be appreciated. I really cannot say anymore. It’s one of those things.

I’m sure one day, hopefully while I can still get it Up in the Air, I’ll be fortunate enough to witness this. However, I’d like to take this moment and raise my glass to all those Manly Men that have had the opportunity to enjoy this moment. Good Job Fellas.

A couple of quick Honorable Mentions before we wrap up: Woman wearing nothing but a tool belt and hard hat, Woman in a Poison Ivy costume, Woman dressed in the costume of a Pirate, alternatively Woman dressed as a busty wench. The list really goes on, but you get the idea. Oh and women in nothing but boots. I almost forgot that one. The blasphemy!

So there we have it folks, my top 10 list of what I’d like to see my women wearing in bed. Will they all happen? Possibly… not very likely. However, I take inspiration from my sister at this point in time, she recently made a list of things she’d like to get done by a certain age. Well, I’d like to be able to witness at least 5 out of 10 of these looks by the age of 30, OK maybe 35. Let’s make it 35.

So wish me luck! Time really does fly when you’re Up in the Air.

I’ve been trying to write…. Really I have.

I think I’m broken. Really broken… not down there. Some of you people are sick I tell you.

27… Twenty Seven…. Tick Tock Tick Tock. There goes the clock Tick Tock.

While I do feel stupid sitting in my house drunk and writing this, I’m more than confident I’ll feel a lot more stupid when reading it tomorrow.

Random Admission #1: I will admit that being drunk definitely puts you in touch with your thoughts.

In retrospect really not so random an admission. I feel like one of those guys that make a living stating the obvious.

On a quick side note the damn song “Feelings…” is looping in my mind.

Right now I’m deep in thought and the one thought that keeps coming to the forefront is that I don’t fit in. I’ve tried to fit in, but really I just don’t think I do. Now, while its possible to conceive why I wouldn’t fit in physically, me fitting in figuratively is just as big a problem. Of course, one could pose the question why try to fit in at all? Definitely something to think about, I shall continue to do so and enlighten you with my findings at a future date.

Oh by the way I’m drunk cause we’re drinking at the new apartment: The Cave of Solitude (CoS). Time passes by very slowly in the CoS except on Sundays, where it goes by a little too fast. Damn Monday Morning Blues. Either way, the slow passing of time makes for some seriously long drinking nights. As a result, I think the alcohol being consumed is a lot more nowadays. Something to think about.

I’ll be going to Milan in a week for a conference. I’m so broke I’ve decided to come right back instead of staying a few extra days. My mother and friends think I’m barmy. I probably am, after all how many times do you get a paid ticket to Italy? Seriously though, Milan is expensive! Euro’s are way over-priced. Why can’t the Indian National Rupee be stronger? There is a conspiracy at foot. “They” want to keep me broke and then have me get drunk contemplating how I’m ever going to buy my first car with a six figure price tag  in USD (Toss up between a Ferrari and an Accura NSX). I could probably start saving by giving up the drink, but like I said it’s a conspiracy.

Random thought balloon #1: How many of us have slept with women that are a zero on the HCHHSSTT scale? Or better yet would you admit to sleeping with a woman who rates a zero on the HCHHSSTT scale or would you rather admit to wearing womens underwear? Trust me, either way you look at it, not very pretty.

Random thought balloon #2: What do women think when looking at an ugly naked guy? They’re supposed to be less shallow than us Manly Men, I wonder how true that is. I’m sure the thought that goes through their mind is more like “What the fuck am I doing here???” Or “I could do so much better???” Or finally and my favourite “I’m going to kill my shrink tomorrow!”

Yes, I have issues. I know this already and so do you. Which is why you keep coming back for more. I understand that this blog is your guilty pleasure, the way I look at it is it can’t be half as bad as “Grey’s Anatomy”.

Why am I writing this “junk”?

Like I said, I think I’m broken and can’t write anymore. I’m just hoping this fixes me, at least a little. Doubt it, but one can hope right? Just like the New York Knicks are hoping for Lebron to sign with them in the off season! I think I’ll probably get laid before that happens.

Hmmm, interesting thought: Would I rather get laid? Or have the Knicks sign Lebron. Damn this is hard. I might have to go with the getting laid and letting my team stay in Basketball purgatory. The sex better be good!

On the flip side if you gave me the option of dating a girl who is a 9 on the HCHHSSTT scale or owning a Basketball team? I won’t lie, I’d go for the Basketball team.

Could you even fathom owning and running the New York Knicks?? First thing to do is to hire Patrick Ewing as head coach! Would it work? Maybe or maybe not, but wouldn’t it lift the curse of mediocrity that hit the team since the Knicks traded Ewing for Glen Rice?

Does anybody even remember Glen Rice? I just had to Wikipedia him to find out what happened to him. Talk about a curse… Bambino my arse! I think we should bet on this. Well this, or we could bet on which would happen first, the Knicks signing Bron Bron or me getting laid. I’m pretty sure we could get some good odds on these.

Just found out my roommate (BWSP) spiked my second beer with Whiskey. I’m really not sure how I feel about that. Thankful since I’m actually writing, also thankful that he likes women and not men. On some level the spiking of drinks is a scary thing.

On the flip side, if I wasn’t such a lazy drunk, it would never have happened.

This is one of my first attempts at a limerick. It’s for a colleague and while it’s a little amateurish. I find it amusing enough for it to go up here.

So without further ado, enjoy the limerick. I call it:

An Ode to the Hardy and Hirsute

Like the cavalry, he Come’s in late
never complains about the hate
but nothing could ever sate
his growing lust for his plate.

Finally got a woman to date
Can his lust for his plate
be put to rest? Now, With a Woman on his plate
I believe nobody will ever hate.

And to him I’d like to wish
something more than a chicken tikka dish
for a man with no wish
deserves more than just a Happy Birthday Kitsch

Last week I went for two beer crawls, that brings it to a total of three “Beer Crawls” on the beer crawl list.

A beer crawl as defined in Mumbai is a crawl that involves a group of people paying a “fixed” amount and then having the privilege of drinking as many beers as they’d like at a number of visiting bars. Obviously if a beer crawl is sponsored, you only get to drink the beer that the sponsoring company brews.

Now I don’t consider myself an all knowing  guide of beer crawls. I don’t believe such a thing exists. A beer crawl is like a serpent with many heads. It’s always changing. However after three beer crawl’s, I’d like to believe I’m a veteran of sorts and I definitely have the battle scar’s to prove it… both emotional and physical.

As a veteran of beer crawls, I’d like to believe I have insights to offer, guidelines if you will.

Before I begin, I’d like to give a quick recap of Beer Crawl 1.0.  After Beer Crawl 1.0, I posted about how the young guns of today can’t keep up with the wily vet’s such as myself when it comes to drinking beer. That’s right pacing yourself has a lot to do with it. Beer Crawl 1.0 left most of us extremely satisfied as it seemed to meet all the necessary requirements of a successful beer crawl. In fact on a scale of 1 – 10, I’d rate it a solid 8.

Now Beer Crawl 2.0 was supposed to be a grudge match of sorts. An opportunity for the young guns to make up for their dismal performance from last time.

What went wrong? Well, honestly everything that could go wrong. First of all the guy that was “hosting” the crawl was a complete idiot. I’ve met a lot of people in my life and while I may call them idiots, I do believe the guy on this beer crawl completely blew away the competition. This guy was an idiot. No other word for it. At the first beer crawl I may have wanted to beat up the guy “hosting” it. However, I refrained. The really depressing thing is, in comparison the new guy was a complete Asshat. I’ve also realized that I need to use the word “Asshat” more often. Not enough people use it, but I digress.

Other than the idiot that was “hosting’ the event, what else went wrong? Well a lot. In keeping with the mistakes I made as a beer crawl veteran. I’ve decided to compile a list of “guidelines” for anybody that decides to ever attend a beer crawl the Mumbai way. Rest assured, you will end up a lot happier should you choose to follow the guidelines.

So without further preamble, the official guidelines to a Beer Crawl in Mumbai (These were the guidelines we failed to follow for Beer Crawl 2.0):

1) Choosing Wisely: In any beer crawl, make sure that the people you choose to go with are worthy. You want to avoid guys that are only going to get drunk and then pick up women. This is reiterated in guideline #6 and cannot be spoken about enough. The point of a beer crawl isn’t to pick up women, it’s to get drunk and spend an evening with a group of people (preferably Manly Men) that enjoy “bitching” about different things.

2) The Beer: While it may seem hard to believe, whenever you go for a beer crawl you want to make sure that the beer served is something you’d like to drink. If you don’t enjoy the beer, you just won’t drink enough to make it worth while. This is tied in with guideline #3.

3) Money’s worth: With any beer crawl, please make sure you get your money’s worth. If you are spending Rs. 500, you must ensure you drink anyway where between 10 – 15 beers to get your moneys worth. If you spend Rs. 300, it can be anywhere between 6 – 10. For whatever reason, we found the beer sorely lacking in Beer Crawl 2.0. It just didn’t meet the expectations the beer set in the first crawl. In fact, after beer #2, I felt like throwing up. Trust me, this is a feeling you want to avoid at all costs. In fact, I will now take a long break from drinking beer. Let’s just say Monk and Dew is a lot better, let alone Monk and Coke.

4) Bars: The bar’s you visit on a crawl are very important. In fact one of the biggest let down’s in Beer Crawl 2.0 was the litany of bars we went to that completely failed to meet our standards. Other than one bar which happened to have Karaoke night, the rest were complete disappointments. In fact, there should be a rule that guarantee’s your money back if the bars on any beer crawl are pathetic. What’s the point of drinking if you don’t get good music to go with it. As I blog, I can guarantee that my playlist has better music than anything played at any of the bars that night.

5) Women: A beer crawl is the equivalent of a guys night out. While having women along on a beer crawl is fun as they add diversity and flavor to the group, the fact is they create unnecessary tension. After all, once any guy gets drunk they suffer from a severe case of beer goggles and the only thing on their mind is “How am I going to get the girl?”, thereby completely ignoring the sacred rule of “Bro’s before Ho’s”.

Which I must admit, even the most Manly of Manly Men have problems with. So to avoid this, it’s a lot easier to just leave women out of the equation. However, if you do have women that want to go on a beer crawl with you, well then lay down some ground rules like no flirting with any of the guys, no making one guy feel more special than the other, no flashing of breasts (unless approved by all men), basic stuff like that.

6) Man Whores: Avoid taking any guy that you believe is a Man Whore on a beer crawl. They are there for only one reason and that is to pick up chicks and get laid. These men have no respect for the Bro Code when sober let alone once drunk. Now, I’m a firm believer of picking up the occasional HCHHSSTT and getting laid. However, these are things that you do not do when on a beer crawl. Under any circumstance, it is completely unacceptable when going on a beer crawl with a group of guys to go pick up women. It is unconstitutional.

and finally…

7) Bottoms Up: The Bottoms up rule, which dictates that everybody going on the beer crawl is expected to be able to drink as much as possible, and the person that drinks the most number of beers at the end of the evening should forever be considered the “Greatest Beer Drinker of the Group”. Did I mention, I managed to have the most number of beers again?

While I’m sure there will be a few people that will argue this, it’s a fact. For the second beer crawl in a row, a certain young’un managed to pass out before the night was done.

This leaves me with one question before I go… Where have all the beer drinkers gone?

OK, seriously and I mean seriously, this getting “older” thing just sucks. I don’t want to turn 27. I want to stay 21.

Twenty one is the perfect age. When you think about it, everything is at it’s peak when you’re twenty one. My libido peaked at twenty one along with my already screwed up metabolism. I had what people liked to call “potential”. It’s the legal age to drink and drive, you can drink till your catatonic and not feel the hangover effect the next day, I would never start balding and finally did I mention my libido would be at it’s peak??

The problem with aging is that we only get to spend one year at the age of 21. What would be fun was if you spent one year at every age and then when you turn twenty one, you stay twenty one for the next 21 years. You know that sounds like an awesome idea? Just think, if this was the case, I would still be in my early twenties. Sigh, this is proof that God did not make us in his image and has a very sick sense of humor. If he had, I’d still be in my early twenties!

So while I do want to write about the rigors of turning 27, the amazing memories that came before it and the lessons learned this year. The truth is, I’m not ready to write that yet. I’m going to get there and when I do, I hope it will be worth reading. If it’s not, nobody can complain since I do this for free and all you would’ve wasted was 10 minutes on the toilet.

One thing I do want to write about is that I’m not a drug dealer.

I believe me writing about my drinking and smoking up might have given people the wrong idea. I think people have got this idea that I’m a regular pothead and maybe even a dealer of sorts. I had a friend that reads my blog call me over for lunch and her exacts words were: “Why don’t you come over for lunch and bring some stash with you, this way we can eat, get high and talk”. Keep in mind, I’ve never smoked up with her.

I’d like to take this time to reiterate that I am not a drug dealer, I do not supply “stash” to anybody, nor do I carry it ever and most importantly I do not smoke up…  often!

Just because I did it in Goa does not mean I’m a regular “Pothead”. Having said that I’m thinking about trying some mushrooms, with my imagination and the power of a hallucinogen, it would make for a very interesting time. I’ll keep you updated on this front. I’m thinking clowns and zombies might just come to mind. Damn, now I’m going to start dreaming about clowns and zombies attacking me while I’m on the pot. Crap, like the cockroaches in my apartment didn’t already make things bad. Right now, I’m swearing really really loudly.

By the way, for all my female readers (I know there are one or two of you out there!) I’ve been asked to share something with you. One of my readers has asked that I share why us “Manly Men” love our guys night out. There really isn’t a rational explanation for it. Or at least not a rational explanation that would keep me out of trouble.

The irrational explanation is that we just need it. It really doesn’t matter if the man is married, dating, engaged or simply a fuck buddy. All Manly Men need a guy’s night out. I don’t think I need to repeat this again.

It could be because of society’s norms, or maybe just an inborn need to hang out with other men and exchange war stories.

It could just be that when you’re with a group of your closest buddies, you don’t worry about them judging you. Nothing can beat the freedom a guy gets from getting drunk with the boys, making a fool of himself and then recalling the story years later.

Let’s be honest if we did that with women, you would divorce, break up or just stop being fuck buddies with us.

Now, I’m sure there are a few women out there that understand this and are fine with it. To you ladies, I raise my hat.

To the ones that don’t understand it, well you should really try to just live with it. After all, we’re pretty forgiving about the fact that you need a closet filled with over 200 pairs of shoes, and the fact that a pair costs only $5 is not a justification.

You’re probably curious about what happens on a guys night out? I guess I could tell you that all we do is go to a club, pick up and make out with as many women as we can, and at the end of the evening the guy that hooked up with the most women would get a prize. But, it wouldn’t be true.

What really happens on guys night? We get drunk, light up a cigar, and talk about women.

We talk about the women we’ve slept with, the ones we wish to sleep with, the ones we are currently sleeping with along with rating each and every one of them on categories that range from “singing voice” to “What position they would look best in when having sex?”.

Sometimes we end up at a strip club, at which point we will continue to rate the women there and compare them to the women we’re currently dating, want to date or have dated while getting lap dances. While it may get graphic on occasion, it’s nothing that a normal man won’t think about.

On occasion, we have been known to go as far as checking out women at a bar and making intricate plans on what would be the best way to get their numbers and end up in bed with them, unfortunately most of the time we never really come close to carrying out our very intricate plans. I will admit that if we spent half the time that we spend making these plans on solving the hunger crisis in Africa, well let’s just say there wouldn’t be a hunger crisis today.

More often than not, nothing exciting ever happens and we end the night wishing we had spent it with you and if you’re single like me? Well I end up wishing I had a significant other.

This is when the drunken dialing happens and really I don’t understand why the “married” guys in the group just don’t take the phones away from the single guys. It would save us so much embarrassment. I think it adds to their entertainment.

And if you’re next question is going to be “Why do you keep going back for more if most of the time nothing exciting happens?”

In the end the only people that truly “get us”  are our closest guy friends. Nothing beats spending time with your closest friends and talking about the past, the present and the future and what it means to us and where we’re going.

What’s better than a night with the boys, smoking a cigar, drinking a beer or some scotch, listening to some tunes and just talking about the most inane things? In my serious opinion? The only thing that may come close is sex with a girl who is at least an 8 on the HCHHSSTT scale.

By the way for those of you that think, a guys night is spent trying to one up each other and see who has the biggest balls, well you need to grow up! The last time we did that was back when we were 21!

Which reminds me, I’ve been in the hunt for a drinking buddy. Now this is completely aside from “guys night”. I need a friend that I can drink with during the week, should I ever get really frustrated with “life” and need to blow off some steam. Fine, I’ll just come out and say it, I’m looking for a female drinking buddy.

Let’s face it, every guy needs one. When you’re drunk, it’s nice having a good looking women sitting with you, drinking with you and talking to you. Best of all you don’t need to be dating her.

What am I looking for in my drinking buddy? Not a lot, it’s really the simple things that I need. Stuff like:

- They should be available to go drinking at the drop of a hat. I would do the same for them. However, the drinking buddy will not be forced to drink more than twice a week not including weekends of course. This is a crucial point.

- The drinking buddy cannot stop drinking before I do and vice-versa. As a result she must be ready for long nights of drinking.

- The drinking buddy must be able to hold conversations ranging from “Why Indian women are no fun and always want to get married?” to “The workings of a water heater” and of course “Zombies or Clowns: Which are more dangerous?”

- The drinking buddy should be very comfortable with drinking with me and vice-versa. Bottom line, it should end up being a fun evening leaving you stress free for work the next day.

- It can be a completely platonic relationship, however if anything should develop no reason why it can’t be explored.

- Should it be a completely platonic relationship, the drinking buddy must help in the picking up of HCHHSSTT’s. In other words, be a good wingman. No “pussy blocking” allowed here. Sorry about the crude language.

So if there are any ladies interested and are with me on the “Small things”, please feel free to get a hold of me. Oh and all applicants must be 18 years and older. Sorry, I refuse to get thrown in jail for this.

I shall now leave you with a memory from my 15th birthday:

I was throwing a house party, and invited a whole bunch of friends. Now to make sure the ratio of women to men was 2:1, I invited a whole bunch of women that I didn’t know. One in particular was a girl I had just started talking to in school. I thought she was cute and I figured asking her to come was worth a shot, never really expecting her to actually come to this party.

So any way, there I am at the party, mingling, making sure everybody has a good time. After all I just turned 15 and in my mind the party was going to be key to the success of  my high school social life (if I had known serving alcohol would’ve been enough, I would’ve started drinking a lot sooner!). Anyway, there I was when suddenly standing in front of the door to my apartment was this girl, a vision in orange.

I really do believe that was the first time my jaw dropped to the floor. Never before had I seen a girl like her. To say that she left a smile on my face for a long time after that would be an understatement.

What was she wearing you ask? Well, she wore a really short skirt, a really tight top and a really high pair of high heels. All in Orange. That’s right an Orange HCHHSSTT.

I wonder whatever happened to her? Maybe I should find out and see if she’d like to be my drinking buddy. Never hurts right?

Damn forget 21, I miss being 15!

Wow.

Really, there isn’t a more apt word to describe the Big Apple other than “Wow”.

I think this was a trip that was much needed by me. It’s really help put a lot of things into perspective. As for how much of it I should share with you my avid readers? Well, I’m not quite sure. It’s not that I don’t trust you being discreet. Quite the opposite. I trust all my readers. It’s just that I’m not sure you guys really want to spend the next 5 minutes reading about the sordid details of my trip. I mean do you really want to know about the green cheese cake, honey mustard pork and garlic chicken that my Didi fed me (delicious by the way!)?

Instead, how about I just impart upon you the little nuggets of wisdom that I picked up for myself in the City that never sleeps. Oh and believe me, it never sleeps. The burrito I ate at 4:30 AM will attest to that.

First off, I believe that the HCHHSSTT’s in NYC have raised the bar on the whole High Heels, Short Skirts and Tight Tops bit. They’ve also led me to re-evaluate my opinion on “tights / leggings”. I’ve never been a big fan of leggings. I think they are really stupid, especially when worn under a skirt. What’s the point? I’ll never understand this. It doesn’t accentuate anything and it doesn’t reveal more skin. So how in the world is it a good thing? If you’re going to wear a skirt, no tights should be allowed. If you’re feeling cold, then wear a pair of jeans or accessorize the skirt with boots. Having said that, some of the tight’s worn by the women of NYC – Wow. When you can see things that even a skirt won’t allow you too see, well bravo my friend, bravo.

So yes, I raise this imaginary glass of scotch in my hand to the women of NYC. Keep doing what you do, you all make the world a better place one less piece of clothing at a time.

Oh, I’ve also added a new rule to “Good Strip Club Etiquette”. If you intend to get a lap dance, but just aren’t sure which girl would best suit your lap dance “needs” and you don’t want to spend too much money trying different women, it’s completely fine with going through an interview process. This can entail having a stripper sit on your lap, put their arms around you, and basically leave you wanting more. After all, if the women are there to get as much money out of you as possible. It’s up to you to make sure you do your due diligence and get your money’s worth. Keep in mind, that if you do go through the interview process you would need to buy at least one lap dance by the end of the evening. Otherwise you’re really cheap and don’t deserve to be allowed into a strip club.

By the way, I think the most interesting exchange I have ever had the fortune to be a part of went something like this:

Zaev: (while making small talk with stripper) Wow, you’re flexible huh?

Stripper: You should see me in bed (with a deadpan look).

Zaev: (Blubbering all over himself)

Yes, that is now in my top 10 moments ever and #1 on the list of Strip Club Moments to be Savored.

For those of you that follow the comments section, you all are aware of how a certain reader always comments by leaving various quotes made by some of the greatest personalities we’ve encountered. Well, I’d like to take this moment to use a quote of his on my blog, trust me I consider it a great honor. It goes like this:

“Nothing better than seeing your buds enjoy a strip club” – Sanka 29th Oct 2009.

Those were his exact words and you know what? It sum’s up the whole “going to a strip club with your buddies thing” perfectly. Let’s face it, nobody enjoys paying for a lap dance. It’s demeaning paying for something you should be getting for free. However, when you buy one of your old college friends (who is now 28 and happily married) a lap dance from a very hot 22 year old Russian with perfect skin and breasts (it’s the lighting!) and you see the joy on his face. Well, that my friends is a moment you will savor for a long time to come and like Sanka say’s “Nothing better than seeing your buds enjoy a strip club”. Amen brother.

We’re all aware of the many breath taking sights in NYC like the Empire State building and Statue of Liberty to  name a few, but they pale in comparison to the sight I had of a police officer, the devil and a maid walk hand in hand down the long avenues of NYC. Needless to say they were all female and wore very very short skirts.

Unfortunately there is only so much you can do in four days. You really can’t be expected to see a whole lot and meet everybody, especially when you spend half your time recovering from Jet lag. I really didn’t have too much time to do much except for all the stuff that really needed to be done (Yes, Strip clubs are a must!).

Which brings me to the last and most important thing that I got out of this trip:

We all know this is a city of glamor, glitz, sin, a city that if you aren’t careful will look you up and down, chew you up and then spit you out. However, like the song goes “If I can make it there… I can make it anywhere”.

I’d have to agree with Ol’ Blue Eyes, if you keep persevering and put in the hard work and don’t give in to all the glitz, glamor, sleaze, dirt and hype, you’ll end up a happy person. Clichéd isn’t it? It may be, but this is what makes life so great. The clichés. All of them. No matter how big or small.

To Beige: the man who did it the hard way, who hasn’t given in to the hype, who goes home everyday to a family of his own that loves for him. You my friend deserve all your success. At the risk of losing all my “Streed Cred’, thank’s for the hope.

I Love this City.

This is the first post where I’ve written the title before the content. This is really surprising for me. After all, I’m the kind of person that will write an entire page of gibberish and then label it “Gibberish”.

So obviously, I’m kind of at a loss here.

While I do have the title, I’m at a loss on what to write. In fact, I’ve had the title for the last 4 days and I still haven’t figured out what the content should be, how it should be structured and most importantly should it be funny or serious!

As I sit here sipping my beer in front of the AC at 3 am, I ponder some serious thoughts.

Thoughts that cover such ground as “How in the world could the movie ‘Catwoman’ ever have gotten made?”, “Will the Knick’s make the playoffs or will they finish an abysmal 20 – 62 with no chance of signing of Lebron next year?”, “Should I clean the filter on my AC as it’s barely cooling right now?”, “Would Suzzanne look better in a Cherry Red and Off White trim or an all matte black finish?” and finally “How in the world did Obama win the damn Nobel Peace Prize?” – I know technically, I asked this last week, but it’s still on my mind. I mean seriously? How in the world did that happen? And if it’s that easy, can I also win one? What do I have to do to win one? Contribute a kidney to some sick child in Africa? I mean come on, that’s got to be more than what he’s done so far in his presidency.

Something else that also has me perplexed is the way’s in which women get over the men.

To start with, I find out my sister has decided that she will always settle for friendship over love when it comes to a guy. That has to be the most  idiotic thing ever. Her exact words were “It doesn’t matter that I know I could marry him and be happy, because if it end’s badly, I’ll be miserable”.

Essentially, my sister has decided that being best friends with a guy is better than dating the guy (hypothetically speaking), even at the cost of happiness. She would rather be content with life, than really happy just because she may be miserable 7 years in the future if they break up.

I’ve heard about thinking ahead and planning for the future, but isn’t this a little ridiculous? In fact, isn’t this a very big reason people are so depressed today? We’re all so busy worrying about our future’s that we forget about right now. Yes, I know how cliched that line is and I’m not proud about it, but this is a serious problem. I know I’ll be revealing a side of me I generally like to keep repressed, but I’ll take that six years of happiness followed by misery. After all, how much of a lifetime do you actually spend being happy? I know I would grasp at every little bit I can get.

Sorry, I digress. The reason I’m perplexed is because I can’t fathom why women would rather settle for friendship than accept they are in love with an unattainable guy. Especially when staying friends and denying how they feel about a guy, has them LYING to themselves.

Look, I have no problem with staying friends, but just accept that you are crazy about a person and then work on getting over them. Don’t lie to your self and say “Hey, I don’t care anymore and besides the friendship is way better!”. More harm than good in my opinion.

The second method that I’ve seen used by women when dealing with “affairs of the heart” is even worse, they do what I call the “cut-off”. These women date a guy, break up with the guy, try and stay good friends with the guy, get pissed when they see the guy with another girl and then promptly decide to cut off all relationships with not just the guy, but also all his and her friends. This is retarded because if you want to “cut-off”, just “cut-off” the guy! Not the friend that lent you a set of PS3 games that took you over 8 weeks to get return.

By the way I’m a firm believer in the “cut-off”, in fact one of the only ways I know how to get over women is to “cut-off”. Rest assured, it’s cost me a lot of potential female friends and avid readers, but at least I’m not in a state of denial over how I feel about them.

Sure, I should probably mature emotionally but let’s face it, the “cut-off” is a lot easier and faster. It could take me years to mature, much easier to “cut-off”.

This is where I believe men have it down perfectly. If we break up with a girl, we do one of three things:

1) We do the “cut-off” and move on.

2) We stay friends with their friends after all this gives us an avenue to get back to the girl that dumped us or rejected us.

3) Alternatively, some men like to do the whole “stay friends” with the girl they liked and then hook up with a girl hotter than her and flaunt the new girl friend as often as possible.

Any which way, win-win-win situation.

By the way curious fact, on Nov 7th it will be exactly 3 years since I left NYC for Bombay. I have to admit, and I’m pretty sure I’ve admitted this before, but I’m going to admit it again, at about the year and a half point, I really thought coming back to Bombay was a very bad idea. At the three year mark, I would have to reassess.

It definitely wasn’t the smartest move I’ve ever made, but when I think about what I’ve gained in the last three years, it definitely wasn’t as bad as I thought.

For starter’s I have a new found fascination for blonde women. The complete lack of them in India is stunning. You would think that somewhere along the line, an Indian girl would’ve thought to herself “Hey, I could probably carry off the blonde look and to top it off all the other women out here are brunette’s! Advantage: ME!”. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead Indian women have five types of hair color: Brown, Pseudo – Red, Black, Blacker and Blackest. So yes, the new found fascination is well appreciated. I was getting spoilt by all the blondes in Las Vegas and NYC.

The second thing is that while on occasion I’ve been ashamed by the stunning level of selfishness I showed by coming back to Bombay, I am happy that for what was the first time in a long time, I didn’t and still don’t have to worry about supporting anyone other than myself. However, maybe it’s time to stop being so selfish?

The next thing is a big one, I think somewhere along the line, I discovered how to have fun again and started living my life. Let’s be honest, the NYC – Zaev would never have taken time off to go on a bike ride to Goa, would never have spent many a Friday night drinking with friends that travel over 100 kilometers in the hope of getting some action (you know who you are!), listening to good music and conversing about women. Sure, it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a pretty big deal.

Of course we can’t forget the fact that in the last three year’s I’ve added three important people to my family: Dad (Sure, he’s been a slacker and is a slacker… but he’s been trying and that counts), PM (This would be dad’s girlfriend. She’s way too good and good looking for him. I hope she realizes that) and finally last but definitely not least is that god awful brat of a sister in Delhi. Everybody needs a brat in their life.

And really, if you think about it, if I hadn’t left NYC I don’t think I’d ever have started writing, which means all of you my ardent readers out there would be left with nothing to do think about when on the pot. So yeah, all in all not bad eh?

The whole point of coming back to Bombay was to “find oneself”. While I don’t quite have it all figured out, I think I started making some headway.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention, I’ll be out of town for a week or so. I’m going to be in NYC.  It took me three years to get my passport renewed, 1 month to get a visa issued and three days to get a ticket to go back to NYC.

When I finally do fly out on Monday, I’ll be going back on my terms… just as I promised I would.

So how about them Knick’s?

So, I can’t believe it, but it’s already the 13th of October. Which by the way is “election day” in India. All that means is I can’t vote today since I just recently got my passport and haven’t been able to register in time.

To be honest, I wouldn’t know whom to vote for. They’re all the same to me, a bunch of names adept at profiting from the uneducated and poor. That’s right I said it. Sure, I could be totally incorrect. But hey, I just spelt “incorrect” wrong about 5 times, so believe it or not “I don’t give a damn”.

Let me start by saying “Wow, what a night”. I don’t generally drink on a Monday night, but today was a friends birthday and I insisted on crashing the party. It was the China Man’s birthday. By the way we spend about half our day coming up with really derisive terms for each other. We’ve settled on a combination of “Fat Fuck” and “China Man” (in a Chinese Accent). Sure, it may seem like I’m behind, but really it’s a very close fight.

I’ve realized the power of the guitar. I’ve realized that I want to learn to play the guitar, after all anybody that plays the guitar, can pick up a ton of chicks.

On the surface, it may not seem entirely true. Simply because, China Man fails miserably at it. However, maybe there is some sort of correlation at work? The better you are, the less chance of picking up chicks? That would obviously go against people like BWSP and Steven Tyler, who get more than their share of women. Or maybe, just maybe they are the exception?

Either way, this is not a post to “diss” the China Man, this is a post where I congratulate him on his 23rd birthday and move on. So Congratulations.

So moving on, how many of you out there can believe that Mr. President  and I don’t mean JFK ( He deserved it just for getting Marilyn Monroe in bed!), won the Nobel Peace Prize. Wow! Don’t get me wrong, I really hope he manages to make significant improvement’s when in office. After all if he doesn’t, there won’t be another “black” president for at least another 100 years.

If he does, well let’s just say “life’s looking good” for them and everybody else.

But seriously? Nobel Peace Prize? Are we seriously living in a time and age where we have nobody more deserving of THE peace prize. Are you telling me, that over the last year nobody managed to do something more deserving? Hell, I can’t answer this question since I suck at following the news, but wouldn’t the creator of Facebook be more deserving of this award? After all, didn’t he just create a Social Network connecting millions of people world wide, regardless of race, creed and color? All the while, allowing people to waste time at work. It’s a godsend people!

Hmm… not sure if I’m being sarcastic or not. Did I mention, I really need to learn to play the guitar?

So, I have my US Visa interview in a day, I still don’t know how I’m going to manage to get it. It’s for work, not even like I’m getting it for personal reasons. Still, I don’t know how on Earth I’m going to get an approval. How many of you actually visited the States on a visit visa, stayed behind, studied and then left the US. Sigh, Yeah, I did. God help me now. Earlier they couldn’t kick me out, now they actually don’t even have to let me in.

Additionally (and yes, I love that word), I met and got in contact with a few of my Childhood friends. First there is “The Perv”, this dude was a complete pervert, but he was the first person I ever met in Muscat, Oman. Ironically, 10+ years later, he reads my blog and claims to love it. Since, I’m not a very rich man I’d have to believe him, cause he gains nothing from reading it.

Incidentally, we met at a party and discussed another friend of ours from South India, who also got a hold of me. Now, that sounds like witch craft and maybe it is, but isn’t it awesome witchcraft? I think it is. Not cause I have a lot in common with them, but really because it brings up some crazy memories. Such as the one where I went down a slope on my bike and landed right on my head, only to be grounded by the Wicked Witch of the West aka My Mom. Parent’s can be so evil and just don’t understand us do they?

Did I mention The Perv reads my blog and swears by it? I’m filled with pride right now.

Either way, the point of this post is simple. I wanted to review my year and what I’ve accomplished this year?

Still no girlfriend, still no job placing me in an authoritarian position thereby allowing me to be abusive to other people and still haven’t settled on a career.

On the flip side, a ride to Goa (Bucket List), bonded with my sister (Bucket List), got drunk more this year more than all other time’s in my life, managed to alienate and embarrass myself with more than 5 women, finally discovered a talent of sorts and have been brought out of denial over the fact that Lebron James is coming to the Knicks in 2010.

And I still have three odd months to go. In my opinion, we’re going to see such achievements as “Getting laid again” and “Getting a life”. Though the second one is a stretch.

By the way did I mention that God has given us all a special gift, and I finally realized that mine was to alienate and irritate as many people as possible.

Oh, one last thing, I am of the firm belief that we need more HCHHSSTT’s at work. If it were up to me, the first thing I’d do is hire them. Unfortunately, I’m not in charge.

Cruel Cruel world – By the way did I mention, I should learn to play the guitar?

It’s 7 am, and I’m still awake.

This could be due to the excessive alcohol or it could be because I just don’t wanna sleep till my house maid gets in. Let’s face it if I fall asleep now, there is no way I’m opening the door for her. This would mean an apartment left unclean. The thought leaves me quaking in my shoes.

So anyway, I’m up at 7 am and I’m doing some heavy thinking. This is generally what happens when I’ve spent a night consuming excessive amounts of alcohol.

Sure, there are a bunch of smaller irrelevant thoughts running through my head like “Is God real?”, “Is there a meaning to life?”, “Am I happy with where my life is headed?” and “What was George Lucas thinking when he came up with Star Wars Episode: 1, 2 and 3!”.

The most important thought however is my sister. Now before you go thinking this is going to be some emotional rant about how I love her and how awesome she is. You’re wrong. It’s not.

Instead this rant is about one of the most important rules in the “Bro Code”. Simply put, a guy does not try to hook up with his best friends sister, and…

How I do not agree with this rule.

I for one am all for my best friend hooking up with my sister. In fact, I encourage it. I mean after all, if you can’t trust your best friend who can you trust? In fact I’ve gone as far as to tell my best friend, the legendary MWA to add my sister on Facebook and to start conversing with her. You see, the benefits of this are numerous!

You start with the fact that I know MWA would have only the best of intentions with my sister. He wouldn’t try to do anything that I would disapprove off. Then there is always the fact that I know MWA would take care of her and would make an awesome brother in law. In fact, imagine being the Best man at my best friends and sister’s wedding? Does it get better than that? And honestly, if he doesn’t take good enough of care of her, he’ll have me to answer too. Finally, it’s time I paid back MWA for trying to hook me up with his sister. He failed… but he did try and I still owe him for that.

Now, I’m not trying to pimp my baby sister out, I’m just trying to look out for her and I think this would be the best way to do it. Does she have a choice in the matter? Sure, but in her mind only.

After all let’s face it, what I say goes. If it doesn’t, then I make it happen using devious tricks and traps. Trish, consider yourself warned.

By the way I do realise how inane this is, but you can’t blame a guy from trying to protect his younger sister from all the perverts like me out there.

Couple of side notes:

I’ve come up with another theory, if you’re best friend starts dating a girl, it’s your responsibility to hate that person. No matter how much you like them, you have to learn to hate them. After all when your best friend breaks up, he’s coming to you for solace and what kind of friend would you be if you couldn’t take his side without hesitation. While he’ll hate the fact that you have nothing good to say about his girlfriend. He’ll be indebted to you for the same reason’s once he actually breaks off the relationship.

This by the way works for both men and women.

In fact I’d go as far as to say, I’ve learnt from my mistakes with a certain big nosed female lawyer and her boyfriend. I should’ve been a better friend to the female lawyer but chose to support her boyfriend. Let’s just say that didn’t work out too well.

So remember, always despise your best friends new boyfriend / girlfriend. This way, you’re never in a compromising situation.

Finally and this is a question one of my reader’s has had for a while, why do men wear open toe sandals?

Essentially, these are meant for women and not men. Let’s face it, women have some of the most comfortable clothing out there on the market. Barring the high heels, tight tops and short skirts.

When you look at the fact that they get to walk around in open toe sandals, loose and comfortable skirts and of course the fact that they have a device that not only grants their vital feature(s) support but also helps to enhance it!?! Well, it makes you believe that they are doing something right.

This resulting conclusion? Barring certain untouchable pieces of clothing such as the device which enhances and supports, us Manyly Men may want to try and imitate women’s fashion. Come on, the Scot’s caught on early and came up with the kilt. The male equivalent of the skirt. See what it’s done for them.

Now that we’re finally coming up with progressive idea’s such as the open toed sandals for men, hair clips and let’s not forget the man purse (after all, we all also have a grocery list of things to carry!). We’re finally approaching an age where men are finally allowed to look “Manly” and be comfortable at the same time.

T’is a new age indeed.