Three Weeks Worth

OK, seriously and I mean seriously, this getting “older” thing just sucks. I don’t want to turn 27. I want to stay 21.

Twenty one is the perfect age. When you think about it, everything is at it’s peak when you’re twenty one. My libido peaked at twenty one along with my already screwed up metabolism. I had what people liked to call “potential”. It’s the legal age to drink and drive, you can drink till your catatonic and not feel the hangover effect the next day, I would never start balding and finally did I mention my libido would be at it’s peak??

The problem with aging is that we only get to spend one year at the age of 21. What would be fun was if you spent one year at every age and then when you turn twenty one, you stay twenty one for the next 21 years. You know that sounds like an awesome idea? Just think, if this was the case, I would still be in my early twenties. Sigh, this is proof that God did not make us in his image and has a very sick sense of humor. If he had, I’d still be in my early twenties!

So while I do want to write about the rigors of turning 27, the amazing memories that came before it and the lessons learned this year. The truth is, I’m not ready to write that yet. I’m going to get there and when I do, I hope it will be worth reading. If it’s not, nobody can complain since I do this for free and all you would’ve wasted was 10 minutes on the toilet.

One thing I do want to write about is that I’m not a drug dealer.

I believe me writing about my drinking and smoking up might have given people the wrong idea. I think people have got this idea that I’m a regular pothead and maybe even a dealer of sorts. I had a friend that reads my blog call me over for lunch and her exacts words were: “Why don’t you come over for lunch and bring some stash with you, this way we can eat, get high and talk”. Keep in mind, I’ve never smoked up with her.

I’d like to take this time to reiterate that I am not a drug dealer, I do not supply “stash” to anybody, nor do I carry it ever and most importantly I do not smoke up…  often!

Just because I did it in Goa does not mean I’m a regular “Pothead”. Having said that I’m thinking about trying some mushrooms, with my imagination and the power of a hallucinogen, it would make for a very interesting time. I’ll keep you updated on this front. I’m thinking clowns and zombies might just come to mind. Damn, now I’m going to start dreaming about clowns and zombies attacking me while I’m on the pot. Crap, like the cockroaches in my apartment didn’t already make things bad. Right now, I’m swearing really really loudly.

By the way, for all my female readers (I know there are one or two of you out there!) I’ve been asked to share something with you. One of my readers has asked that I share why us “Manly Men” love our guys night out. There really isn’t a rational explanation for it. Or at least not a rational explanation that would keep me out of trouble.

The irrational explanation is that we just need it. It really doesn’t matter if the man is married, dating, engaged or simply a fuck buddy. All Manly Men need a guy’s night out. I don’t think I need to repeat this again.

It could be because of society’s norms, or maybe just an inborn need to hang out with other men and exchange war stories.

It could just be that when you’re with a group of your closest buddies, you don’t worry about them judging you. Nothing can beat the freedom a guy gets from getting drunk with the boys, making a fool of himself and then recalling the story years later.

Let’s be honest if we did that with women, you would divorce, break up or just stop being fuck buddies with us.

Now, I’m sure there are a few women out there that understand this and are fine with it. To you ladies, I raise my hat.

To the ones that don’t understand it, well you should really try to just live with it. After all, we’re pretty forgiving about the fact that you need a closet filled with over 200 pairs of shoes, and the fact that a pair costs only $5 is not a justification.

You’re probably curious about what happens on a guys night out? I guess I could tell you that all we do is go to a club, pick up and make out with as many women as we can, and at the end of the evening the guy that hooked up with the most women would get a prize. But, it wouldn’t be true.

What really happens on guys night? We get drunk, light up a cigar, and talk about women.

We talk about the women we’ve slept with, the ones we wish to sleep with, the ones we are currently sleeping with along with rating each and every one of them on categories that range from “singing voice” to “What position they would look best in when having sex?”.

Sometimes we end up at a strip club, at which point we will continue to rate the women there and compare them to the women we’re currently dating, want to date or have dated while getting lap dances. While it may get graphic on occasion, it’s nothing that a normal man won’t think about.

On occasion, we have been known to go as far as checking out women at a bar and making intricate plans on what would be the best way to get their numbers and end up in bed with them, unfortunately most of the time we never really come close to carrying out our very intricate plans. I will admit that if we spent half the time that we spend making these plans on solving the hunger crisis in Africa, well let’s just say there wouldn’t be a hunger crisis today.

More often than not, nothing exciting ever happens and we end the night wishing we had spent it with you and if you’re single like me? Well I end up wishing I had a significant other.

This is when the drunken dialing happens and really I don’t understand why the “married” guys in the group just don’t take the phones away from the single guys. It would save us so much embarrassment. I think it adds to their entertainment.

And if you’re next question is going to be “Why do you keep going back for more if most of the time nothing exciting happens?”

In the end the only people that truly “get us”  are our closest guy friends. Nothing beats spending time with your closest friends and talking about the past, the present and the future and what it means to us and where we’re going.

What’s better than a night with the boys, smoking a cigar, drinking a beer or some scotch, listening to some tunes and just talking about the most inane things? In my serious opinion? The only thing that may come close is sex with a girl who is at least an 8 on the HCHHSSTT scale.

By the way for those of you that think, a guys night is spent trying to one up each other and see who has the biggest balls, well you need to grow up! The last time we did that was back when we were 21!

Which reminds me, I’ve been in the hunt for a drinking buddy. Now this is completely aside from “guys night”. I need a friend that I can drink with during the week, should I ever get really frustrated with “life” and need to blow off some steam. Fine, I’ll just come out and say it, I’m looking for a female drinking buddy.

Let’s face it, every guy needs one. When you’re drunk, it’s nice having a good looking women sitting with you, drinking with you and talking to you. Best of all you don’t need to be dating her.

What am I looking for in my drinking buddy? Not a lot, it’s really the simple things that I need. Stuff like:

- They should be available to go drinking at the drop of a hat. I would do the same for them. However, the drinking buddy will not be forced to drink more than twice a week not including weekends of course. This is a crucial point.

- The drinking buddy cannot stop drinking before I do and vice-versa. As a result she must be ready for long nights of drinking.

- The drinking buddy must be able to hold conversations ranging from “Why Indian women are no fun and always want to get married?” to “The workings of a water heater” and of course “Zombies or Clowns: Which are more dangerous?”

- The drinking buddy should be very comfortable with drinking with me and vice-versa. Bottom line, it should end up being a fun evening leaving you stress free for work the next day.

- It can be a completely platonic relationship, however if anything should develop no reason why it can’t be explored.

- Should it be a completely platonic relationship, the drinking buddy must help in the picking up of HCHHSSTT’s. In other words, be a good wingman. No “pussy blocking” allowed here. Sorry about the crude language.

So if there are any ladies interested and are with me on the “Small things”, please feel free to get a hold of me. Oh and all applicants must be 18 years and older. Sorry, I refuse to get thrown in jail for this.

I shall now leave you with a memory from my 15th birthday:

I was throwing a house party, and invited a whole bunch of friends. Now to make sure the ratio of women to men was 2:1, I invited a whole bunch of women that I didn’t know. One in particular was a girl I had just started talking to in school. I thought she was cute and I figured asking her to come was worth a shot, never really expecting her to actually come to this party.

So any way, there I am at the party, mingling, making sure everybody has a good time. After all I just turned 15 and in my mind the party was going to be key to the success of  my high school social life (if I had known serving alcohol would’ve been enough, I would’ve started drinking a lot sooner!). Anyway, there I was when suddenly standing in front of the door to my apartment was this girl, a vision in orange.

I really do believe that was the first time my jaw dropped to the floor. Never before had I seen a girl like her. To say that she left a smile on my face for a long time after that would be an understatement.

What was she wearing you ask? Well, she wore a really short skirt, a really tight top and a really high pair of high heels. All in Orange. That’s right an Orange HCHHSSTT.

I wonder whatever happened to her? Maybe I should find out and see if she’d like to be my drinking buddy. Never hurts right?

Damn forget 21, I miss being 15!

Tagged as: Drinking Buddy, Getting older, Girl in Orange